Here is the trailer:
The scenes with her son, who seems to just be a typical back talking, no respect teenager who drives her crazy and she loves dearly, really got to me. At one point, she pins him against the wall and tells him flat out that she is going to "Parent you so hard your head will spin" from here on out. And I cried. Because without the teenage boy part, the mom part is me. Totally.
Ever since I got my (alleged) expiration date stamped on my ass, I have focused on how I am going to squeeze a lifetime of love, guidance and parenting into my daughters head and heart. How will I make sure she knows how to take care of herself, how to eat right, how to sew, cook, clean, and man, forget about all the older kids stuff like driving, college, gasp! dating!!!!!!!!?
How to be a good person, how to tell when others are trustworthy, how to choose friends, how to keep them, how to be happy, how to be kind, how to share.. without being a doormat.. how to love, how to live. A tall order for any parent, but when you feel like the meter is running and you are out of quarters.. well, it feels near god damn impossible.
My Precious Angel
In another scene, Laura's character is telling everything to a dog, talking about how as a parent you always pray that you will die first, that you never want to endure losing your child. And yes, that is so very true too.. but it is just as hard to feel like you are leaving things unfinished, like a symphony that is missing the second half, truncated, not complete. Because no matter how beautifully written the first half is, the missing second half creates a void deeper than the Grand Canyon, an abyss of longing. And that sucks. And makes me cry.Not for me you understand, but for her.
Kelp Noodles at Cru
I feel such a strong sense of responsibility somehow, not that her Dad cannot teach her, help her grow up, he can, he is a wonderful loving father.
But damn it, this is MY job.
The job I longed for, suffered for, gave up so much that I used to cherish for.. the most important job I have ever had. I sort of feel like the factory is shutting it's doors right before I get the gold watch and pension.
And I am scared, fearful, anxious. What I realized, whilst crying and watching the drama on the tube is, that way of parenting is exactly the OPPOSITE of what she needs. It makes me less available, instead of more. It makes me full of Don'ts, Shoulds, You Have To!, please eat what is good for you, please don't watch TV, please please please just let me Parent you so hard your head will spin......shit. Not the desired effect at all.
So I have to learn to relax and trust.. and fill her life with extraordinary people, who show her things by how they live their lives, talented loving hands who guide her mind, make her think, encourage her natural talents to grow.. and know that one day, when I pass the parenting baton, many caring hands will be there to take up the race.
I feel better already..
with love and fearlessness,
deb
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